An Open Letter to the Void of Cyber Space

A letter to the void, for now until I come to a conclusion what else, if anything, to do with it.

Dear Friend,

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to be your friend. I suppose if my compliments and high esteem of you really are undeserved, I can keep them to myself. It's really hard to try to tell somebody the good you see in them and have them tell you you're wrong. I am not here to try to persuade you that you are a good person with high worth, only to remind you when it is hard to remember.

I know you're not perfect. I know that you have your trials and your weaknesses just like the rest of humanity. I have no doubt that you have your good days and your bad days. If you were somehow immune to the good and ill in life, I don't know that you'd ever see any reason to want to spend time with me who am so far from perfection.

I don’t know how far down the path of depression you go yourself, but from little clues here and there, it seems that you battle with it to at least some small degree. Sometimes the things you say are so similar to things I have thought myself that it is almost uncanny. I have had my own times in my life when it is a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. I have wondered and still do on occasion if my life has purpose, value, or if anybody would miss me if I were to just suddenly up and disappear. I have even been so low that I contemplated whether or not I should end my life.

The only thing that has made it so that I am here at this moment is an absolute knowledge that God is real and that he loves me so much more than I could ever hope to put into words. I know that I am his son and he wants the best for me. If I were not 100% certain of those two facts, I can guarantee that I would have ended my existence long before we ever would have had a chance to meet.

Because I know that God is there and that he loves all of his children as much as he loves me, I cannot pass up any opportunity to remind others of that fact. Even when I was on my mission, I didn’t care whether I baptized anyone so much as I wanted them to know that they were loved and that they had value beyond anything they could imagine. I figured that as long as they knew those two facts, the rest would take care of itself when the time was right. And so because it seems that you may have some of the same struggles I do, I have only tried to tell you things that I try hard to remember myself.

I don’t know where our friendship will ultimately end up, and quite honestly, it isn’t that important to me right now. I thought that I had done quite well at making sure that I wasn’t asking you for anything romantic, but somehow the things I have done and/or said have come across that way. When it comes to romance, I never go somewhere I don’t think I’m wanted, no matter how much I might want to. I don’t doubt that there is still a part of you that wants to be with me, but when you made the choice to be with (x) rather than me, that was my final cut.

I have come to accept the fact that we are friends, though there are moments when my mind begins to go a different direction. Whenever it does, I do my best to correct the course because I know there is no reason to go there. You asked me not to become attached to you. As a result, I have done all in my power to honor that request and will continue to do so. I spent eight years hoping that somebody would change their mind under similar circumstances and I now know that to do so again would be absolutely contrary to my own self-interest.

As far as I am concerned, it would take a good deal of time and a good healthy dose of convincing my affection was what you really wanted before I would ever allow you to be more than a friend to me. Good grief, even when I had the perfect opportunity to kiss you while you were trying to decide between (unknown) and myself, I wouldn’t do it because it would have been too soon. I wanted to know that there was a solid intellectual and spiritual connection before there was a physical one. The bottom line is that even if you would have allowed yourself near me, it isn’t like I would have automatically made myself available for the rebound. I’d hope that I would be strong enough not to allow myself to take advantage of your vulnerability.

Even though it might seem otherwise, all I really want is your friendship. I see good in you, even if you can’t see it yourself, and nothing will ever change the fact that you have made me a better person because I knew you. I want you to know that I love you, in the sense that I am here as your friend in whatever capacity possible.

Your Friend,
Eric

Heaven's Light

Today I attended the funeral of my aunt, Rebecca Ann Greenhalgh Stuart. Now that the day is over it seemed a blur, though I tried my best to soak in as much love and support from my family as I possibly could. This is the first funeral where I distinctly remember having a family prayer and saying the final farewells before the casket was closed. The emotion in that little room was very literally palpable. Though our Aunt, mother, sister, daughter, and friend will be missed, we find comfort in the message of the restored gospel that families can be together forever through the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

As we walked from that room to the chapel where the service was to be held, I was amazed at the number of people that filled the chapel and cultural hall. It was clear that the influence of Becky touched many lives and hearts.

The service was beautiful. Each of the individuals that spoke of Becky's goodness, aided by the influence of the Holy Spirit, left in me the desire to live better than I have. It made me want to try harder to reach the potential that I often forget that I have within myself. Her example shows that we can reach what we desire. Every day is an opportunity to learn and grow to become what we ultimately will be.

Finally, when we went to the cemetery, my Uncle Dennis gave the dedicatory prayer. As he began, the wind calmed and the sun came out from behind the clouds. Like the influence of my aunt, it was like a little bit of heaven's light shone down upon those who were congregated in that little cometary in Nephi. She was loved, and she will be missed by those who have been left behind. But I have no reason to doubt that she has joined loved ones who have passed before. The time will come when we will all be rejoined together as an eternal family. Until that day, Aunt Becky, I love you!