The Battle Within

I was going through one of my mission journals and came across a poem I wrote on December 21, 2002:

I fight the battle within:
A war of virtue vs. sin.
It is a brutal Fight
Of wrong against right.

Give up! You're through!
Nothing good could come from you.
You don't have a chance!
God would not give you a second glance.

Darkness swirls all around.
When will relief be found?
This is my plight:
To come from darkness to the light.

I feel I must give in.
There is no chance for me to win.
I have come to the end of my rope,
I have lost all my hope.

Suddenly I see a light,
And then a man dressed in white.
He looks and smiles at me,
As the darkness at once does flee.

His scarred hands, to me, do stretch.
Why to me, this horrible wrtech?
I hang my head in shame,
I cannot even utter his name.

"My child, you have suffered much,
Please allow my healing touch."
"But I am a sinner, gross and vile.
Repentance, for me, would be impossible."

"I know, my brother, that is why
I came to earth to suffer and die.
Repentance is hard, it is true;
But the power to do, I give to you.

"This is part of life's great test.
You must do your part; I will do the rest
Come to me with your burden of care,
And I will help you forget it was there."

I searched deep within my heart
To accept the his strength, to do my part.
I feel my savior's love within
And with His strength I now begin.

I will fight Satan and all my foes.
With the power of Christ from head to toes.
If I fight and do my best,
I am promised Eternal rest.

Who Am I?

A few years ago I posted the soliloquy of Jean ValJean from the musical version of Les Miserables. This production has long been one of my favorites because of the introspective stances both ValJean and Javert both have to take on their lives. Both of them have dramatic paradigm shifts and are faced with how these shifts will affect their coarse in life.

Today I find myself facing a paradigm shift of my own. I was talking to a friend and we began discussing Ether 12:27, And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weankenss. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble..." Never before had I considered that our weaknesses were a gift from God. I knew that our weaknesses were a means of bringing us humility; but then it is what we do with our weaknesses that either brings us closer to or removes us from Christ.

Long have I allowed my weaknesses to become almost all consuming. No more! I am Eric! I am a loyal friend who takes great care to pay attention to what little things my friends like and dislike. Armed with such knowledge, I can help comfort them and surprise them with generous gifts. I can become very focused and excel in those areas that I find to be of interest. I have a keenly developed mind that can store and recall knowledge at the necessary moments. I am a scriptorian who loves to delve deeply into the scriptures. I have been privy to remarkable spiritual experiences that I will have to cherish for the rest of my life. I have been blessed with tremendous blessings and have been able to know that I have been the means of providing great blessings in the lives of some who I have encountered throughout this journey. I seek to exemplar the likes of men like Captain Moroni, Peter, and ultimately, Jesus Christ. I have felt love greater than can be expressed by any soul on earth. Though imperfect, I know I can strive each day to become better than I was yesterday. I am a son of God and heir to a noble birthright.

Like the Rushing of Great Waters

Tonight I needed an escape from my apartment and took one of my regular paths up around campus. Quite recently the fountain by the TSC was repaired and there was water flowing in it once again. I went and simply basked in the sound of the cascading falls. As the water followed its course and drummed in my ears, I was taken back to a hundred camping trips where I have found comfort in the sound of the rushing river. I could taste the charred and dirt covered hot dogs and burnt marshmallow s'mores. The aromatic fragrance of pine seemed to wash away my cares and worries, though only in memory.

How nice it is to have a place of comfort and refuge when so much in life seems overwhelmingly tumultuous.

Expendable

Of all the things I find annoying, I think that finding out that your employer thinks you're expendable is at the top of the list. Today I was trying to track down a particular invoice for a recent shipment from Thailand and was in the Board Room when I should notice that my name has been written on some paper that is lining the desk the owner works at. Curiosity piqued I see things such as: Loves shipping, helps with bookkeeping, stays in the know....can replace???!???!?!!!

I am scratching my head trying to figure that out. Now, I realize that I'm not completely indispensable, but still...to write that down where I might stumble across it?

On the whole, I've enjoyed my job and rather enjoy the people that I work with. I know I'm not perfect, but if there are expectations that I am not meeting, it would be nice to be given a heads up before they start considering the fact that I am replaceable.

Then again, earlier in the day and once or twice over the past month or so, I have been wondering if I had better start thinking about finding something else. I spent a good amount of time and effort attending school and have more knowledge of bookkeeping than is being utilized at my present job. I think it's time to start tapping some resources and see if I cant find something more suitable for my talents.

Follow-up post: I was talking to a coworker and it came to light that this little note may have merely meant that somebody could take over one aspect of my job so they could have me help in another area. That's the problem with not having all the information. It easily leads to an overreaction to a non-issue. Still...such things would be better if they weren't left around for somebody to find and misinterpret.