An Open Letter to the Void of Cyber Space

A letter to the void, for now until I come to a conclusion what else, if anything, to do with it.

Dear Friend,

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to be your friend. I suppose if my compliments and high esteem of you really are undeserved, I can keep them to myself. It's really hard to try to tell somebody the good you see in them and have them tell you you're wrong. I am not here to try to persuade you that you are a good person with high worth, only to remind you when it is hard to remember.

I know you're not perfect. I know that you have your trials and your weaknesses just like the rest of humanity. I have no doubt that you have your good days and your bad days. If you were somehow immune to the good and ill in life, I don't know that you'd ever see any reason to want to spend time with me who am so far from perfection.

I don’t know how far down the path of depression you go yourself, but from little clues here and there, it seems that you battle with it to at least some small degree. Sometimes the things you say are so similar to things I have thought myself that it is almost uncanny. I have had my own times in my life when it is a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. I have wondered and still do on occasion if my life has purpose, value, or if anybody would miss me if I were to just suddenly up and disappear. I have even been so low that I contemplated whether or not I should end my life.

The only thing that has made it so that I am here at this moment is an absolute knowledge that God is real and that he loves me so much more than I could ever hope to put into words. I know that I am his son and he wants the best for me. If I were not 100% certain of those two facts, I can guarantee that I would have ended my existence long before we ever would have had a chance to meet.

Because I know that God is there and that he loves all of his children as much as he loves me, I cannot pass up any opportunity to remind others of that fact. Even when I was on my mission, I didn’t care whether I baptized anyone so much as I wanted them to know that they were loved and that they had value beyond anything they could imagine. I figured that as long as they knew those two facts, the rest would take care of itself when the time was right. And so because it seems that you may have some of the same struggles I do, I have only tried to tell you things that I try hard to remember myself.

I don’t know where our friendship will ultimately end up, and quite honestly, it isn’t that important to me right now. I thought that I had done quite well at making sure that I wasn’t asking you for anything romantic, but somehow the things I have done and/or said have come across that way. When it comes to romance, I never go somewhere I don’t think I’m wanted, no matter how much I might want to. I don’t doubt that there is still a part of you that wants to be with me, but when you made the choice to be with (x) rather than me, that was my final cut.

I have come to accept the fact that we are friends, though there are moments when my mind begins to go a different direction. Whenever it does, I do my best to correct the course because I know there is no reason to go there. You asked me not to become attached to you. As a result, I have done all in my power to honor that request and will continue to do so. I spent eight years hoping that somebody would change their mind under similar circumstances and I now know that to do so again would be absolutely contrary to my own self-interest.

As far as I am concerned, it would take a good deal of time and a good healthy dose of convincing my affection was what you really wanted before I would ever allow you to be more than a friend to me. Good grief, even when I had the perfect opportunity to kiss you while you were trying to decide between (unknown) and myself, I wouldn’t do it because it would have been too soon. I wanted to know that there was a solid intellectual and spiritual connection before there was a physical one. The bottom line is that even if you would have allowed yourself near me, it isn’t like I would have automatically made myself available for the rebound. I’d hope that I would be strong enough not to allow myself to take advantage of your vulnerability.

Even though it might seem otherwise, all I really want is your friendship. I see good in you, even if you can’t see it yourself, and nothing will ever change the fact that you have made me a better person because I knew you. I want you to know that I love you, in the sense that I am here as your friend in whatever capacity possible.

Your Friend,
Eric

Heaven's Light

Today I attended the funeral of my aunt, Rebecca Ann Greenhalgh Stuart. Now that the day is over it seemed a blur, though I tried my best to soak in as much love and support from my family as I possibly could. This is the first funeral where I distinctly remember having a family prayer and saying the final farewells before the casket was closed. The emotion in that little room was very literally palpable. Though our Aunt, mother, sister, daughter, and friend will be missed, we find comfort in the message of the restored gospel that families can be together forever through the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

As we walked from that room to the chapel where the service was to be held, I was amazed at the number of people that filled the chapel and cultural hall. It was clear that the influence of Becky touched many lives and hearts.

The service was beautiful. Each of the individuals that spoke of Becky's goodness, aided by the influence of the Holy Spirit, left in me the desire to live better than I have. It made me want to try harder to reach the potential that I often forget that I have within myself. Her example shows that we can reach what we desire. Every day is an opportunity to learn and grow to become what we ultimately will be.

Finally, when we went to the cemetery, my Uncle Dennis gave the dedicatory prayer. As he began, the wind calmed and the sun came out from behind the clouds. Like the influence of my aunt, it was like a little bit of heaven's light shone down upon those who were congregated in that little cometary in Nephi. She was loved, and she will be missed by those who have been left behind. But I have no reason to doubt that she has joined loved ones who have passed before. The time will come when we will all be rejoined together as an eternal family. Until that day, Aunt Becky, I love you!

Holy Crapola Batman!!! It's fall already!

I hadn't realized how long it has been since I took the time to write anything down here. Wow, what a summer it has been! There were hikes and campfires. Plenty of work. Gas prices jacked up through the roof and in to outer space. And of course there was even a romance or two that fazed in and out. As the wheel turns, the green of summer fades and turnes into the brilliance of a thousand different colors. Life continues its proverbial march forward without relent or respite.

I continue to work at Autonomous Solutions and quite enjoy the time I get to spend there. There are some days where it seems a little mundane, but I think I am okay with that. I have never been one to seek out a life of frantic business. I revel in the quiet time when there is sometimes nothing to focus on but the sound of the wind in the leaves or the melody of a beautiful song.

Summer is Here!!!

Today, after work, I had the chance to go to Lundstrom Park. Something about parks gives me the chance to just relax and be myself. So while I was there I talked to a friend. It was fun just to hear a little bit more of her personality be revealed over the phone; and being the mischievous boy that I am often am, I logged the information away for future fun and teasing. After our conversation came to a close, I simply lay in the shade of a tree and enjoyed the feel of the breeze as it blew across my skin. The temperature was blissful in the shade and the sounds of children playing was so incredibly relaxing that I felt I could have laid and basked in the sweetness of the moment for quite a bit longer than I actually did. Unfortunately my stomach decided to make it's neglect apparent so I had to return home to eat. I just wanted to express my happiness for this time of year and how much I absolutely love it! I love the green that is everywhere, breathing deeply the aroma of freshly cut grass, and basking in the cool of a good shade tree with my eyes closed and my mind blank of though.

Irritated

Last night I had a text exchange with a friend. It left me somewhat irritated and I couldn't let it go on. Any of you that know me well enough can likely deduce who this is about, but I have left out any names other than to say that this exchange between myself, a friend, and another friend's response to the exchange. I wanted to post it because I feel like I did the right thing, even though it was hard and wish things could have happened another way.

Me

I don't know what you were expecting me to say last night. I have been somewhat perturbed by the exchange we had. I thought I had made the reasons behind what I did clear, but apprently I did not. As far as I can tell, the way I felt about you was never a secret. Though I felt the way I did, I never wanted to force you into something you didn't want. I hoped that the time would come that you would truly see what you have always been to me, that I have always done the best I knew how to be there for you, and that you would realize that there wasn't much I wouldn't have done to make you happy. There were times that I am sure that you wanted me too, but something held you back. I don't know the whole story, but I only know that it seemed like the more time went on, the more inevitable the time would come for me to cut the cord and let you go. I hoped that I could suppress the stronger feelings I felt for you, but they were always there to one degree or another. It wasn't fair to ask you for something you couldn't or wouldn't give, but neither was it fair to ask me to not feel the way I did.

I really had no idea how to respond to your text. Though you are still in my thoughts more frequently than I would like, I have been doing well at moving on. While you were a part of my life, any attempts at dating felt empty and half-hearted. I was always holding on to the hope that you would see in my what I saw in you. I gave you the better part of eight years and figured if you couldn't see me as more than a friend in that time, you never would. I tried to only be your friend, but the feelings were always there. It tore me up to see you dating guys that treated you like some personal play thing. I hated watching you go through the turmoil and hell you've gone through when I was right there. I've always tried to treat you with the respect and decency you deserve. There have been countless times I have screamed "Why doesn't she see it?" at myself. I would have been good to you and done my best to give you whatever would have made you happy.

That was then. The reality now is that I have to move on with my life, and the only way for me to do so is to let you go. The time that I would do anything to make you happy is past, and I have to look to my own happiness. I never wanted it to be this way, but it is what it is. I can only imagine what is going through your mind because you won't give me anything to work with. There have been too many times that it seems like you were holding something back, but maybe it was only because there were things I wanted to say, but never did.

I don't know where your life is going, but I hope that whatever happens that you are happy. Whatever happens will not change the way I have always seen you, but I guess that might be the problem.

Friend 1
My problem is that I've had friends I've had really strong feelings for, and our friendship survived. I feel like you're saying my friendship isn't worth moving past anything else. I always felt like we had a pretty good friendship which makes that even worse. The reason I texted you last night was my favorite uncle passed away yesterday morning and I was feeling like getting my mind off of it with some fun with a friend and D. was in Salt Lake. So maybe I was a little short but you're basically abandoning me and you're asking me to just take it. So I'll do that, but don't pretend it's the best thing for me. I'm sorry I've never been able to be more than friends, and I'm sorry my friendship wasn't good enough. You won't have to worry about me texting again. I hope you get what you want and things are wonderful as you would like them to be.

Me:
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. I wish this was as simple as being something that is only between you and me, but it isn't. Maybe I'm some kind of anomaly in the way I work. The problem is that as long as that hope has been there, I have never really been able to see something else. Only in your absence have I been able to think of moving past you and me. It frustrates me to no end that the only solution I see to doing what I need to do involves hurting you and killing something that I found so much happiness in. This isn't about doing what's best for you, it's about doing what is best for me. I wish that I could move on to something else without leaving you, but that hasn't worked and it's insanity to me to try it again. I can't change that you feel like I'm abandoning you, I can only do what I think is best for me to have the life I want and need.

Friend 2 in response to previous exchange:
Okay, here goes. (don’t worry. I had a whole long boring meeting to think about this. Haha. Just kidding). I really think that you deserve so much better than her. And I think that you already know that, but its sometimes hard to hear anything negative about someone you care about. But man, Eric. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met (and your supposedly ‘mean’ e-mail, was one of the nicest e-mails I have ever read). You basically told her that you’ve been waiting on her for 8 years...8. That is a long time. And all she can think about is herself...never a thought about the turmoil you went through for her. I can’t even fathom her response to you. She misses your friendship because now SHE can’t have everything, not even considering what your friendship has cost you. I just think you are really amazing and I think that you deserve a really really incredible girl that is just head over heels in love with you, and appreciates the amazing things that you are willing to do for someone you love. So I’m really happy that you were firm and that you are still committed to moving forward with your life. But at the same time, my heart kind of hurts a little, because sometimes the right things are the hardest. But, to be honest, I’m super impressed with your strength of character in that e-mail, and I feel sorry for S, because she can’t see past herself to see what she is giving up. So that, my friend, is what I think, in all its blazing boldness.