Irritated

Last night I had a text exchange with a friend. It left me somewhat irritated and I couldn't let it go on. Any of you that know me well enough can likely deduce who this is about, but I have left out any names other than to say that this exchange between myself, a friend, and another friend's response to the exchange. I wanted to post it because I feel like I did the right thing, even though it was hard and wish things could have happened another way.

Me

I don't know what you were expecting me to say last night. I have been somewhat perturbed by the exchange we had. I thought I had made the reasons behind what I did clear, but apprently I did not. As far as I can tell, the way I felt about you was never a secret. Though I felt the way I did, I never wanted to force you into something you didn't want. I hoped that the time would come that you would truly see what you have always been to me, that I have always done the best I knew how to be there for you, and that you would realize that there wasn't much I wouldn't have done to make you happy. There were times that I am sure that you wanted me too, but something held you back. I don't know the whole story, but I only know that it seemed like the more time went on, the more inevitable the time would come for me to cut the cord and let you go. I hoped that I could suppress the stronger feelings I felt for you, but they were always there to one degree or another. It wasn't fair to ask you for something you couldn't or wouldn't give, but neither was it fair to ask me to not feel the way I did.

I really had no idea how to respond to your text. Though you are still in my thoughts more frequently than I would like, I have been doing well at moving on. While you were a part of my life, any attempts at dating felt empty and half-hearted. I was always holding on to the hope that you would see in my what I saw in you. I gave you the better part of eight years and figured if you couldn't see me as more than a friend in that time, you never would. I tried to only be your friend, but the feelings were always there. It tore me up to see you dating guys that treated you like some personal play thing. I hated watching you go through the turmoil and hell you've gone through when I was right there. I've always tried to treat you with the respect and decency you deserve. There have been countless times I have screamed "Why doesn't she see it?" at myself. I would have been good to you and done my best to give you whatever would have made you happy.

That was then. The reality now is that I have to move on with my life, and the only way for me to do so is to let you go. The time that I would do anything to make you happy is past, and I have to look to my own happiness. I never wanted it to be this way, but it is what it is. I can only imagine what is going through your mind because you won't give me anything to work with. There have been too many times that it seems like you were holding something back, but maybe it was only because there were things I wanted to say, but never did.

I don't know where your life is going, but I hope that whatever happens that you are happy. Whatever happens will not change the way I have always seen you, but I guess that might be the problem.

Friend 1
My problem is that I've had friends I've had really strong feelings for, and our friendship survived. I feel like you're saying my friendship isn't worth moving past anything else. I always felt like we had a pretty good friendship which makes that even worse. The reason I texted you last night was my favorite uncle passed away yesterday morning and I was feeling like getting my mind off of it with some fun with a friend and D. was in Salt Lake. So maybe I was a little short but you're basically abandoning me and you're asking me to just take it. So I'll do that, but don't pretend it's the best thing for me. I'm sorry I've never been able to be more than friends, and I'm sorry my friendship wasn't good enough. You won't have to worry about me texting again. I hope you get what you want and things are wonderful as you would like them to be.

Me:
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. I wish this was as simple as being something that is only between you and me, but it isn't. Maybe I'm some kind of anomaly in the way I work. The problem is that as long as that hope has been there, I have never really been able to see something else. Only in your absence have I been able to think of moving past you and me. It frustrates me to no end that the only solution I see to doing what I need to do involves hurting you and killing something that I found so much happiness in. This isn't about doing what's best for you, it's about doing what is best for me. I wish that I could move on to something else without leaving you, but that hasn't worked and it's insanity to me to try it again. I can't change that you feel like I'm abandoning you, I can only do what I think is best for me to have the life I want and need.

Friend 2 in response to previous exchange:
Okay, here goes. (don’t worry. I had a whole long boring meeting to think about this. Haha. Just kidding). I really think that you deserve so much better than her. And I think that you already know that, but its sometimes hard to hear anything negative about someone you care about. But man, Eric. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met (and your supposedly ‘mean’ e-mail, was one of the nicest e-mails I have ever read). You basically told her that you’ve been waiting on her for 8 years...8. That is a long time. And all she can think about is herself...never a thought about the turmoil you went through for her. I can’t even fathom her response to you. She misses your friendship because now SHE can’t have everything, not even considering what your friendship has cost you. I just think you are really amazing and I think that you deserve a really really incredible girl that is just head over heels in love with you, and appreciates the amazing things that you are willing to do for someone you love. So I’m really happy that you were firm and that you are still committed to moving forward with your life. But at the same time, my heart kind of hurts a little, because sometimes the right things are the hardest. But, to be honest, I’m super impressed with your strength of character in that e-mail, and I feel sorry for S, because she can’t see past herself to see what she is giving up. So that, my friend, is what I think, in all its blazing boldness.