Rage

Have you ever been so mad you wanted to shout every vulgar and profane thing and swear against all you've known because you felt you would burst if you didn't? Have you every been so frustrated because everything you thought you knew has fallen around you in shambles? Have you ever been so violent you wanted nothing more than to rage against those that have hurt you more deeply than they could every know just hoping that they could feel some small morsel of the suffering you have gone through?

What do you do with that? How do you address this malice when it sneaks up on you unawares after what seemed like a pretty good day? Suddenly you see a picture and it shatters the barriers in your head that you built against everything you wanted to block out. You want to scream and cry and drive your fist through a wall because then your pain would be physical rather than emotional.

Such is the state I find myself in and all I want is to run away from it all.

Another Day At Work

I have an interesting job. Then again, it isn't my job that is interesting so much as the topics of discussion that seem to randomly crop up. We've been known to discuss all the things that one would expect not to generally talk about at work: politics, religion, and sex/dating. While we generally steer more towards the prior two topics, today the topic of dating came up and I was told that I *need* to find a wife. I always resent such compulsive statements as if I will somehow implode from not having a spouse.

Yes, it would be nice to have a woman to spend the rest of my life with, to love, honor and cherish. On the other hand, I've found myself moving to a place in my life where I am simply satisfied with life itself rather than constantly thinking that my existence is marred by my lack of finding myself within the bonds of matrimony.

I am aware of the religious view that my eternal progression is damned without having selected an eternal companion, but I really am not worried about that. I have spent a lot of time finding misery, guilt, and inadequacy in my dating experience, and I just have to wonder how continuing any of it could ultimately be good for me.

I want my life to be seen for the good I can do independent of any social arrangement rather than to have my life judged by the fact that I never found a spouse. All I want is to be satisfied with my life the way it is rather than being consumed by depression at my lack of an 'eternal companion.'

Independence Day

July 4, 1986 - Presidential Address to the Nation from Ronald Reagan, "We have 208 years of history behind us. But somehow, these days, we know the whole world is before us. And we can feel as Teddy Roosevelt did when he surveyed the world at the turn of the century. He said, ``We Americans see across the dangers the great future that lies beyond, and we rejoice as a giant refreshed, as a strong man ready for the race. The great victories are yet to be won; the greatest deeds yet to be done. There are yet in store for our people and for the causes we uphold, grander triumphs than have ever yet been scored.''"

No president, past or present, speaks to my heart the way Reagan does. He has a way with words that is more than just flowery rhetoric. He embodies the American Spirit like few presidents have in more than 200 years of our nations history.

Our nation faces many foes from without, but even more disastrously , from within. Today is a day to remember those who fought in days past to preserve our liberties from the daily assaults of tyranny and to recommit to our own resolve to do the same so that when we meet those who have gone before, we too can say we did all within our power to maintain the light of liberty to the world.

"And I am proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that light to me; and I gladly stand up next to her and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land! God Bless the USA."

I amended one word in this song because it is not man who gives us our rights, though many have fought and died to preserve them and keep the light of liberty burning bright as though held aloft to the world. The Statue of Liberty stands as a symbol of this light to the world and greets many who have and who continue to come to this country to seek refuge from the oppressions of man.

Our rights come not from man, nor government, but from God. Those who wrote and signed the Declaration of Independence knew this truth to be self-evident: That all men are created equal and are endowed by their creator with unalienable rights. That among these rights are life, liberty, and property. May we live worthy of these rights and never surrender to those who seek to usurp these rights.

The Battle Within

I was going through one of my mission journals and came across a poem I wrote on December 21, 2002:

I fight the battle within:
A war of virtue vs. sin.
It is a brutal Fight
Of wrong against right.

Give up! You're through!
Nothing good could come from you.
You don't have a chance!
God would not give you a second glance.

Darkness swirls all around.
When will relief be found?
This is my plight:
To come from darkness to the light.

I feel I must give in.
There is no chance for me to win.
I have come to the end of my rope,
I have lost all my hope.

Suddenly I see a light,
And then a man dressed in white.
He looks and smiles at me,
As the darkness at once does flee.

His scarred hands, to me, do stretch.
Why to me, this horrible wrtech?
I hang my head in shame,
I cannot even utter his name.

"My child, you have suffered much,
Please allow my healing touch."
"But I am a sinner, gross and vile.
Repentance, for me, would be impossible."

"I know, my brother, that is why
I came to earth to suffer and die.
Repentance is hard, it is true;
But the power to do, I give to you.

"This is part of life's great test.
You must do your part; I will do the rest
Come to me with your burden of care,
And I will help you forget it was there."

I searched deep within my heart
To accept the his strength, to do my part.
I feel my savior's love within
And with His strength I now begin.

I will fight Satan and all my foes.
With the power of Christ from head to toes.
If I fight and do my best,
I am promised Eternal rest.

Who Am I?

A few years ago I posted the soliloquy of Jean ValJean from the musical version of Les Miserables. This production has long been one of my favorites because of the introspective stances both ValJean and Javert both have to take on their lives. Both of them have dramatic paradigm shifts and are faced with how these shifts will affect their coarse in life.

Today I find myself facing a paradigm shift of my own. I was talking to a friend and we began discussing Ether 12:27, And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weankenss. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble..." Never before had I considered that our weaknesses were a gift from God. I knew that our weaknesses were a means of bringing us humility; but then it is what we do with our weaknesses that either brings us closer to or removes us from Christ.

Long have I allowed my weaknesses to become almost all consuming. No more! I am Eric! I am a loyal friend who takes great care to pay attention to what little things my friends like and dislike. Armed with such knowledge, I can help comfort them and surprise them with generous gifts. I can become very focused and excel in those areas that I find to be of interest. I have a keenly developed mind that can store and recall knowledge at the necessary moments. I am a scriptorian who loves to delve deeply into the scriptures. I have been privy to remarkable spiritual experiences that I will have to cherish for the rest of my life. I have been blessed with tremendous blessings and have been able to know that I have been the means of providing great blessings in the lives of some who I have encountered throughout this journey. I seek to exemplar the likes of men like Captain Moroni, Peter, and ultimately, Jesus Christ. I have felt love greater than can be expressed by any soul on earth. Though imperfect, I know I can strive each day to become better than I was yesterday. I am a son of God and heir to a noble birthright.

Like the Rushing of Great Waters

Tonight I needed an escape from my apartment and took one of my regular paths up around campus. Quite recently the fountain by the TSC was repaired and there was water flowing in it once again. I went and simply basked in the sound of the cascading falls. As the water followed its course and drummed in my ears, I was taken back to a hundred camping trips where I have found comfort in the sound of the rushing river. I could taste the charred and dirt covered hot dogs and burnt marshmallow s'mores. The aromatic fragrance of pine seemed to wash away my cares and worries, though only in memory.

How nice it is to have a place of comfort and refuge when so much in life seems overwhelmingly tumultuous.

Expendable

Of all the things I find annoying, I think that finding out that your employer thinks you're expendable is at the top of the list. Today I was trying to track down a particular invoice for a recent shipment from Thailand and was in the Board Room when I should notice that my name has been written on some paper that is lining the desk the owner works at. Curiosity piqued I see things such as: Loves shipping, helps with bookkeeping, stays in the know....can replace???!???!?!!!

I am scratching my head trying to figure that out. Now, I realize that I'm not completely indispensable, but still...to write that down where I might stumble across it?

On the whole, I've enjoyed my job and rather enjoy the people that I work with. I know I'm not perfect, but if there are expectations that I am not meeting, it would be nice to be given a heads up before they start considering the fact that I am replaceable.

Then again, earlier in the day and once or twice over the past month or so, I have been wondering if I had better start thinking about finding something else. I spent a good amount of time and effort attending school and have more knowledge of bookkeeping than is being utilized at my present job. I think it's time to start tapping some resources and see if I cant find something more suitable for my talents.

Follow-up post: I was talking to a coworker and it came to light that this little note may have merely meant that somebody could take over one aspect of my job so they could have me help in another area. That's the problem with not having all the information. It easily leads to an overreaction to a non-issue. Still...such things would be better if they weren't left around for somebody to find and misinterpret.

Great Things and Small Things

This morning I was listening to the soundtrack, "From Cumorah's Hill." I have found more and more comfort in songs that uplift and inspire rather than the duldrum songs one usually hears on the radio about failed romances, shiny cars, and other such seemingly superficial silliness (I love alliteration!). So here's for another lyircal recitation of one of my favorites:

I Nephi 17:50-51

To move a mountain,
To make the sea become dry land.
To cross an ocean,
To build a ship upon the sand.

Such things I could do
If the Lord should command,
But the Lord has commanded me

To love a neighbor,
And to forgive when I am wronged.
To keep a promise,
To have my word become my bond.

How simple and small
Are the things He has asked,
Are the things He has asked of me.

Great things and small things,
I can do all things,
All that the Lord may require.
Though the world may assail me,
God will not fail me.
He will remain by my side.
Whether He asks for the great
Or the small.
I can do them all!

He gave us weakness
And yet He calls us to obey.
And so He teaches
That we must call on Him for strength.

And such is the love
That the Father extends;
What we pray for in faith, He sends.

CHORUS (repeat)

And through the small things
Will come the greatest things of all.

I have certainly noticed an ever increasing measure of strength from the Lord as I work to improve my life and make it what I believe he would have me be. With this strength I have found self-mastery and freedom from the chains of darkness that have long held me captive. Such changes to not happen over night; but through a slow and almost unnoticeable process, my heart is turning more towards Him.

Late Nights and Good Times

In looking over some of my blog posts, it seems that the majority of my writing takes place when I have frustration or other stress that I want to get out of my system. In an effort to be more upbeat and positive, I make the following post:

For the past few weeks I have found myself experiencing an increasing number of late nights. Those who know me well know that I am a morning person and that it is uncharacteristic of me to be up much past 10:30 on most nights. But, thanks to my roommate and a few good friends, I find this routine being turned upon its head.

Last night was another such night and one of the later nights I have had, although, the evening ran more into early morning as it was about 3:30 by the time I got squared away and actually into my bed. Though I might sometime complain about a bit of sleep deprivation, I am grateful to have friends who like being around me enough to keep me up until the wee hours of the morning, even if I do have to be at work early the next morning.

The Hint

I have always hated it when you find yourself in a relationship of any kind that you presume is going well and then all of a sudden you find yourself being ignored. By all accounts you haven't done anything overly creepy or intrusive, but still the other person has decided that you have become a nuisance.

Well, in God's effort to grant me a greater vision of why people might do what they do, I find myself now playing the game of, 'Just ignore them until they go away.' I recently found myself with a text message from a former friend who I have asked on numerous occasions to please let me go on my way. I always wished I could be more detached, and now I finally find myself not caring as much as I used to. What freedom! What liberation!

Though I regret that this person will have to come to this realization without any communication for me, perhaps now I can be a little more sympathetic when it happens to me. Sometimes people just need to go their separate ways in order to find the greatest measure of fulfillment in their lives.